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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28314501">A Difficult Request</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/silurica/pseuds/silurica'>silurica</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Look to Love, Always [20]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Fallen London | Echo Bazaar</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>M/M, Originally Posted on Tumblr, Suicidal Thoughts</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-01-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-01-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 02:20:14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,210</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28314501</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/silurica/pseuds/silurica</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>While you pursue vengeance, all I can do is watch. I only have one wish for you, as despite everything, you are my...</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Look to Love, Always [20]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2068755</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>A Difficult Request</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Set within Ambition: Nemesis finale, after the Cardinal Honey section.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Aleksei, listen. I think I will be able to wrap up my business here soon. After that, I can return to the surface with you, back to my homeland.”</p><p>The man called Aleksei simply stares down the bedridden man and sighs.</p><p>“Did I say something wrong?”</p><p>“You have a death wish, don’t you?” Aleksei answers, “You’re all smile, but it’s clear as day.”</p><p>“Ah,” Chizuru chuckles. “How did you figure that out?”</p><p>“<i>Chi-zu-ru-han</i>, anyone who has been in the Neath for too long will die to sunlight. Moreover you have died and returned to life as well. It’s obvious.” Aleksei says, a finger tapping on the bedside cabinet. A packet of medicines and a piece of cloth sit on it. “Furthermore, I heard from your cousin that you have promised your life to him.”</p><p>A minute of silence passed before Chizuru’s face lightens up with realization. “Oh, yes! I did make such bargain with Leonard! How could I have forgotten? Goodness, I have so many things in my mind…”</p><p>“…He would be upset if he heard that.”</p><p>“For sure.”</p><p>Hearing Chizuru’s light tone, Aleksei sighs again. “It’s just as Konoe used to say. Give you a reason, and if there is no one to stop you, you would even jump into a pit of snakes.” He leans back, arms folded. “No, this is beyond that.”</p><p>Chizuru says nothing to it, but looks away from his friend, stares off at the wall. His smile fades. “But it’s true that I will wrap up my business soon. My purpose will be fulfilled by it, and I will have no more reason to linger here.”</p><p>“How about your child?”</p><p>“Vera has taken a great liking to Camellia. She is a dependable woman, I can trust them to her.”</p><p>“The revolutionaries you’re acquainted with?”</p><p>“They said their disapproval to my face. Cowards. I will no longer be welcome, but I’ve decided to pursue this path until the end.”</p><p>“The few friends you have made?”</p><p>“I’m sure they will understand.”</p><p>“Well, I don’t understand.”</p><p>Chizuru looks back at the man by his side. His expression is impassive, but those words spoke otherwise. His smile returns. “It’s okay, you don’t have to.”</p><p>The big man now scratches his head in frustration. He has no idea what to do with the man in front of him. Perhaps if that person was here, he would be able to…</p><p>“Enough about myself, Aleksei.” Chizuru says, looking at his visitor intently. “How about you? Shouldn’t you return to Vienna soon? Just as you said, you will be stuck if you linger here for too long.”</p><p>“It will be fine, I can stay for one more day before my last ship for the Canal.”</p><p>“Oh.” Chizuru looks away again. “Don’t push yourself. I will be fine, don’t worry about me.”</p><p>“You should listen to your own advice for once.”</p><p>Chizuru stares off again. His expression is calm. His eye still lightless. For all the time Aleksei has known him, there was only person he would listen to without question. Chizuru must know, that person will not return from death even if he avenged him. So why—</p><p>“Aleksei, thank you for taking care of me for all these years.”</p><p>“Huh? It’s nothing, really… “ He replies. Chizuru said that, but he doesn’t even look at Aleksei.</p><p>“I wonder,” Chizuru continues, still looking away, “Would you still care for me if I wasn’t an important person?”</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“Say, if I wasn’t a viscount. If I wasn’t a diplomat. If I didn’t have any important connection. Would you still…?”</p><p>What is he trying to say? “Of course I would. You’re an important friend.”</p><p>“But you are a <i>spy</i>. Should you be wasting your time on a pawn without use?”</p><p>“No, I suppose not.” Aleksei scratches his head again. “But you are—”</p><p>
              <i>You are worth more than any pawn for me.</i>
            </p><p>Aleksei can’t say that. He knew he shouldn’t even have thought of it. Perhaps he should arrange to receive St Joshua’s blessing that spies down here make use of. Still—</p><p>Chizuru is looking at him again now, with a smile so tender. “I just wanted to confirm.”</p><p>“Confirm… what?”</p><p>“Vera told me, you know.” He takes off his sight from the visitor. “You barely left my bedside when I passed out. You were also the one who called a doctor for me. Even now, you still wouldn’t budge.” He chuckles, then says with a quiet voice, “I just thought, what you have done for me is more than what any old friend would do.”</p><p>Ah. Did he catch on? He can feel it. Aleksei can feel something stirring inside of him. Before he knew it, his hand has grabbed Chizuru’s. It’s rough. Chizuru’s hand is rough with scars. This isn’t the hand someone of his upbringing should’ve had.</p><p>“Aleksei?”</p><p>“Please don’t die.” He whispers, looking down at the floor. It will be fine, he should be allowed to say this much.</p><p>For a moment, Chizuru merely looks at his visitor, unable to get a clear look at him. “That is a difficult request. Leonard will not accept that.”</p><p>“I will negotiate with him.” Aleksei says. “Just.. <i>Please don’t die. Return safely. Don’t hurt yourself anymore, Chizuru-han.</i>” Would the man listen if those words are spoken in his mother tongue? Just like how that person used to speak to him?</p><p>A gentle touch caresses Aleksei’s head. When he looks up, Chizuru is still looking at him with that tender look. A sad eye, and a resigned smile on his soft lips. Aleksei knew he shouldn’t be looking at this. This won’t be forgiven. But he can’t take his eyes off the man before him.</p><p>“<i>Nagato used to soothe me like that when I was troubled.</i>” Chizuru replies in the same tongue, as if returning the favour.</p><p>This is too much for Aleksei. His grip on Chizuru’s hand tightens. His heart is racing. His face must be flushing red.</p><p>“I can’t make any promises, but if… <i>if </i>I return alive, <i>if </i>Leonard give up on my life, would you like to live with me here?” Chizuru asks, and a chuckle follows. “It’s just as you said, I will keep stumbling into trouble after trouble when there is no one to keep me grounded.”</p><p>“I can’t make promises either.” Aleksei utters the most detached response he can produce.</p><p>“I understand.” Chizuru squeezes Aleksei’s hand. “Please consider it carefully.”</p><p>After that, Chizuru drifts off to sleep. Now all by himself again, Aleksei sighs once more. Really, what kind of spy grows attached to his target? Sentimentality has no room in this line of work. Perhaps he has kept watch on this man for too long. Perhaps it would be better to forget about all of this, to start fresh with St Joshua’s blessing—</p><p>A rough coughing snaps him out from his musing. It’s Chizuru, still sleeping, but blood trickles down from the corner of his mouth. Aleksei wipes it off with the cloth on the cabinet. Holding him like this, Aleksei can’t help thinking how many scars and wounds Chizuru have accumulated. If he forgot about their current relationship, that would hurt Chizuru again, wouldn’t it?</p><p>He can only hope he will receive forgiveness for this.</p>
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